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Is it ever a good suggestion to remain mates with an ex?
Final month, Life Package requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. Should you share youngsters or pets, it would make sense, say our relationship specialists. However steer clear in the event you had been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite individual.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the big selection of potentialities that may come when a romance ends. Some stated their ex was their finest buddy. Some stated they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others stated they realized … they did not need to be mates in any respect!
These responses have been edited for size and readability.
‘We nonetheless stay collectively’
My ex and I are usually not solely good mates, however we nonetheless stay collectively below the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.
After we acquired divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is dear in California. We would every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our dwelling and discover our personal locations to stay.
We additionally did not need to cut up time with our son, who was 5 years outdated on the time. With this association, we may co-parent extra successfully and see our son each day. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be liable for our son and his care. Now, nearly 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.
Sure, relationship has been arduous. Who desires thus far a person who nonetheless lives together with his ex? However the execs far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales
‘My ex-wife is my finest buddy’
I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We have now two youngsters, a son and daughter who are actually grown and stay shut by.
For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be harm, offended and misplaced. However after wanting again on hurtful issues I stated and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.
Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. At the moment, my ex-wife is my finest buddy. We advise one another on many sides of life, from coping with siblings to dwelling restore. We have a good time household occasions along with our children and their important others. We are actually very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 yr outdated, the enjoyment of our lives.
It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler
‘I need little contact with my ex’
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We had been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who are actually 33 and 28.
For the sake of our kids and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to take care of an amicable relationship. However I’m not positive what the form of that relationship will seem like going ahead.
In the interim, I need as little contact with my ex as potential. I want the psychological house to find who I’m in 2024 as a not too long ago divorced 67 yr outdated. And I need to permit the sentiments and ideas in regards to the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper
‘I want he had been a tiny bit depressing’
Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and accomplice of 21 years divorced me. He stated he nonetheless needed me in his life, however as a buddy.
We’re in common contact and meet up a pair occasions per week. However I will be sincere: it has been tough seeing him simply choose up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with every little thing. I need him to be glad, however on the similar time I want he had been a tiny bit depressing.
The truth that we have now a reasonably small circle of mates would not assist. Once I see him with a mutual buddy, they talk about folks of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip
P.S. Make certain your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.
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‘He believed we’d proceed to be finest mates’
When my 15-year relationship was ending, my accomplice — who was within the midst of constructing himself my ex — stated he firmly believed we’d proceed to be finest mates.
Rapidly, I blurted out, “however I’m not mates with folks of your caliber.”
It’s fascinating to comprehend that the one who you entered the connection with can grow to be somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, realizing one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz
‘It created one thing lovely’
My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a nasty breakup stuffed with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.
Nonetheless, I needed to grow to be mates once more. We each are queer and felt numerous strain to grow to be mates for the sake of our buddy group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for every little thing that went unsuitable. It backfired so unhealthy that we didn’t discuss for years after.
It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We had been residing in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different girl. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.
We had lengthy talks about how we may very well be higher mates and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. Once I was pregnant, my ex was my assist individual. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.
This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the house to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we need to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly lovely. –LaKecia Farmer
Thanks to everybody who took the time to e mail Life Package together with your submission. Join our weekly e-newsletter to participate in reader-generated tales like this one.
This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We would love to listen to from you. Go away us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or e mail us at [email protected].
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